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Jealousy

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HERE COMES A NEW BABY
How do you deal with your first-born’s obvious jealousy toward the new baby?
Jane Lash, RN, IBCLC

TEACH:
Your first goal is to protect your baby.  Your second, is to teach your older child   how to interact with his new baby sister (or brother) in proper ways. You can teach your older child to play with the baby as you would teach him anything else: talk to him, demonstrate, guide, and encourage.

Until you feel safe—do NOT leave the baby alone with the older child.  Yes, it’s   inconvenient…but it’s necessary…maybe even critical.

HOVER:
“Hover” close by whenever the children are together.  If you see your child getting too rough—pick up the baby and distract the older with a song, a toy, an activity or snack.

This protects the baby without the string of “NO’s”…which may actually   encourage the aggressive behavior (negative attention).

SOFT TOUCHES:
Show how to give baby a gentle back or foot rub.  Praise the older child for a job well done.

ACT QUICKLY:
If you see the child hit, or try to pick up the baby, act quickly.  You might firmly announce, “No hitting…OUT!”  Place the child in time out and tell him they can    get up when they can use their hands right.  Remember, this isn’t punishment; it’s helping him learn that those actions aren’t going to be tolerated.

DEMONSTRATE:
Children learn what they live.  Older children will be watching you as you handle the baby and will learn from your actions.  You are your child’s most important teacher.  You are demonstrating in everything you do, and your child will learn        

PRAISE:
Whenever you see the older child touching the baby gently, make a positive comment.  Make a big fuss about the important “older brother.”  Hug and kiss your older child and tell him how proud you are.

WATCH YOUR WORDS:
Don’t blame everything on the baby.  For instance, “We can’t go out…the baby’s sleeping.”  “Be quiet, you’ll wake the baby.”  “I can’t help you now, I’m changing the baby.”

At this point your child would just as soon you sell the baby!  Instead, use             alternate excuses.  “My hands are busy now.”  “We’ll go after lunch.”  “I’ll help       you in three minutes.”

BE SUPPORTIVE:
Acknowledge your child’s unspoken feelings, such as, “Things sure have changed with the new baby here.  It’s going to take us all some time to get used to this.”  Keep your comments mild and general.  Don’t say, “I bet you hate the new baby.”    Instead say, “It must be hard to have mommy spending so much time with the baby”…or  “I’ll bet you wish we could go outside to play right now and not have to wait for the baby to wake up.”  When your child knows you understand their     feelings, they’ll have less need to act up to get your attention.

GIVE EXTRA LOVE:
Increase your little demonstrations of love for your child.  Say extra I love you’s,
and give more hugs.  Find time to read a book or play a game.

GET ‘EM INVOLVED:
Teach the older sibling ways they can be helpful with the new baby, or how to       entertain the baby.  They can open gifts for the baby; they can take pictures of the baby. Teach them how to put the baby’s socks on,  or let them help change a            diaper, apply baby lotion, or give a massage. Praise and encourage whenever possible.

MAKING EACH FEEL SPECIAL:
Avoid comparing siblings, even about seemingly innocent topics such as birth,       weight, when each first crawled, smiled, walked—or who had more hair!      Children can interpret these comments as criticisms.

Take a deep breath and be calm.  This is a time of adjustment for everyone in the family.  Reduce outside activities, relax your housekeeping standards and focus on your current priority—adjusting to your new family size.

(Source:  “First Born Jealousy,” GeoParent, by Elizabeth Pentley)