Breastfeeding

Childbirth

Child Safety

Grief

Support

Newborns

Parenting

Postpartum

Preconception

Pregnancy

GUIDELINES FOR GRIEF SUPPORT

Supporting a person who has experienced the death of a loved one is an extremely difficult task. Often we do not know the right thing to do or say. Everyone must go through the grief process as an individual, and no matter how similar two deaths may be, the individuality of the griever and his or her relationship with the deceased is unique. Sometimes friends and family members trying to console someone in grief may become uncomfortable or frustrated over time, when it seems their best efforts aren’t making the griever happy; so they pull away, and now the griever becomes resentful when those people he or she most depended upon are no longer there for him or her. It’s very important to understand that grievers may not be able to express exactly what it is they need; instead they only know what doesn’t help.

During the first few days and weeks after the death, the griever is still in shock and only “appears” to be functioning well. As the griever goes about his daily routine in those early days, both the griever and his support system are mislead into believing that, if he can function this well right after the death, surely he will do even better as more time passes. However, time alone does not heal the wounds of grief, and soon the grievers’ friends and family stop asking him how he’s doing. They stop talking about his loved one and about his loss. They begin to drift back into their own lives and their own routines devoting less and less time to him. At about this same time, the griever begins to slowly come out of his protective bubble that we refer to as shock. Almost suddenly it seems… now that the details of the funeral, the death certificate, and insurance forms have all been completed, the reality of the death sets in, and the real grief erupts. And now the family and friends have gone back to their own lives and the griever feels very alone.

Another obstacle for the griever is the problem some people have of being around people who are grieving. They worry that they won’t “say or do” the right thing. Remember that there are always ways for us to be supportive during the grief process. The first way is to accept and show support of the fact that the grief process has no time limits. Grievers need our support immediately after a death, but also for months and even years later. Supporting someone you love and care about as they journey through grief is a tremendous commitment, but it is one that is highly rewarding when you realize the difference you have made in someone’s life.

The following suggestions come from years of helping others as they go through the grief process.

SILENCE
This is the hardest thing to do but the most effective. We need to listen to grievers and let them cry and tell their story as many times as they need to. We do not have to find the right words because there are no words to solve the unsolvable.

ADMIT OUR HELPLESSNESS
There is nothing we can do to change the event. There is no way we can control the grief response. There is no magic we can perform to remove the grief instantly. Our society is based on fixing things that are broken. When a person grieves, we describe her as “Falling apart,” “Breaking down,” “Going to pieces,” or  “Losing it.” All of these terms imply something “breaking” so our response is to try and fix it. So we desperately try to find the words, and activities, or the answers to the unknown—in a way to fix the griever. But the only way we can fix the griever is to bring the loved back—healthy again. And this is not possible.

BE GENUINE
The best way to respond to a person in grief is to be natural and genuine. You are no different now, than the person you were before the death occurred. It is the griever who is different. Insincere behavior on your part would be obvious to the griever. Don’t try to find a cure for his or her pain. Trying to appear cheery to avoid the reality of the death is destructive. Non-genuine support is worse than
NO SUPPORT.

Be WITH the PERSON in GRIEF
A person can be right next to the person in grief and not be WITH him. Being WITH a person means physically being with him whether he is crying, talking, silent, or in another room. It means meeting his or her needs and asking what those are. It means respecting the choices the griever makes: to be alone, or to just sit. It doesn’t mean finding ways to distract them from the death; it does not mean changing the subject when they mention the deceased; it does not mean telling them what is “good” for them. It does not mean trying to hide your own pain or tears over loss; it does not mean being “strong,” if that means: “to not show any emotion;” strength is really found in the courage to grieve. It is difficult to want to ease someone’s pain and know that the best you can do is to be there; it is difficult to hurt for someone in pain and not know if what you are offering is really helpful. And, it may not be until months later, that you know that you made a difference. Ideally, you will know that you made a difference whether the person in grief is able to tell you or not.

Do NOT JUDGE another’s GRIEF
No one’s grief will look the same. Each person has his or her own unique relationship with the deceased; and his or her own personality and coping skills, with his or her own culture, traditions, and history. Therefore, do not compare the griever to yourself or anyone else who has experienced the same type of death. They may look alike, or they may look totally different—but to the griever no one else has ever felt the way they feel right now. While the way grief is processed by individuals is mostly always normal, do not assume it is abnormal just because it doesn’t meet a certain criteria. It is important that your expectations of “how” a person “should” grieve, or how you would imagine that “you” would respond is not the only ACCEPTABLE response.

Be clear and aware of your own issues concerning Death
If you are uncomfortable with the reality of death, that discomfort will show through no matter how much you try to hide it with words or actions. It really is more helpful to admit your helplessness, your own fears, and ask the griever how you can help. The death of a loved one is not an experience any one of us should want to experience, but ultimately, one that we all will. Being with someone who has recently experienced the unthinkable may be extremely difficult for you. Recognize that and find other ways to be supportive, if you wish. Some deaths are harder to process: those that are sudden, violent, and/or accidental death; the death of a peer, sibling, or someone our own age; the death of a child; suicide or homicide. These types of deaths are harder to imagine and although we intellectually realize we can never explain why the death happened, we may work harder to somehow put meaning to those types of deaths. Again, it is because of our own helplessness and lack of control that triggers that urge. The reality of death hits us all harder under these circumstances. We realize that if death can happen for no reason to someone like us, then how can we be sure it will not happen to us?

KNOW Your Limitations
Be as supportive as you can comfortably be. If you are uncomfortable being present with a person in grief, perhaps you can write your feelings down to show that you care. Hiding or running away from death and grief will only appear to work for so long; since death and grief cannot be avoided. It is a part of all of our lives, and it feels no better to avoid it, than it does to confront it.

The Cardinal Rules:
Some people will try to be supportive of the person in grief by sharing all their own stories of loss and grief. But, in reality they may be talking because it is too painful to listen: and they may also be using the griever as a way to resolve their own grief issues and pain. If you find yourself in this situation, you may have your own grief issues to work on.

No pain is any greater than the pain each individual personally feels. Do not try to diminish the pain of the griever by listing other stories that could be worse or more tragic. No other story matters to the person in grief. By trying to lessen the pain the griever is feeling makes him feel that you are denying him to openly grieve in your presence. That one act changes the relationship that the two of you share, because now the griever and you will no longer be comfortable knowing that the one thing the griever wants to discuss  “their loved one” is the one thing you are no longer able to talk about.

The Best We can Do is Offer Non-Judgmental and Compassionate Support
We do not need to provide solutions; only the permission and opportunity to grieve. We do not need to save them; we need to support them. Do what they need us to do—and we cannot presume to know what that is. Only they are in this place and only they can reach for their own peace. Do not pity them. They do not want to be pitied. Pity only makes them feel less than us and alone without their loved one. We cannot FIX them, but we can give them permission to FIX themselves. It is a slow heal…at their speed…NOT ours. Open your arms to them and share in their grief. You will know that you made a difference.